So to start, I apologize for any typos. I hate this keyboard with a passion. It doesn't work quite right. Also, this is basically my journal for when I don't have my actual one. Part of me doesn't want to get over Jay because I'm afraid that I'll never feel like this again. I don't fall in love very easily. It took me almost 3 years to fall in love with her... I guess I may have fallen in love with her before I really noticed it, but falling out of love is harder and hurts more than I would have thought. My cuts are infected, too; I hope I can actually make it through kung fu today. Although I'm also getting a migraine, so I might just cut out early and go home. Actually, I'm going to Jay's, but whatever. Close enough. It was hilarious when I showed her what my wedding dress looks like - she was actually speechless for once. I don't know if I'm ever going to use it. I don't know if I'm ever gonna get married... and if I do, I'm not having kids. I don't want kids. I'd rather just live my life and not have to worry about what other people are going to do once I'm gone. I told Jay I'd be there to see it when she's okay again, and last time I asked, she said she was okay. I promised her. But she's okay, so does that mean I can just go? I kind of want to. I'm tired of trying to keep making it in this world; tired of being frustrated by this whole thing with college and careers. I just wanna quit. I promised Jeff that I'd call him and talk to him if I ever actually decide to do it though. I don't think he'd be able to talk me out of it. I don't think anyone would be able to. Not even Jay. I don't have to tell her. I could leave her a note. Or text her after 10:30 so she wouldn't know until the next day. Or leave her a note while she's at school. Or mail her a letter. I need to go to the doctor and get migraine meds in the meantime. Fuck, this sucks. I hate driving with a migraine. It's kind of a painless migraine, but everything seems really loud. It doesn't hurt though, which is good. Oops, spoke too soon. Here it comes. Great.
At least I learned that I am somewhat capable of loving. Apparently not capable enough to fight for myself and my feelings, but I'm growing.
No comments:
Post a Comment