Tired

I'm just getting so angry all over again. I'm stuck feeling not good enough for anyone and fucking everything up. I just want out; why is that so much to ask? I don't even want to be here anymore. My head hurts all the time but not near as much as my heart. I want to quit. I just want this to be over. I don't know how to handle any of this. I want to cry, but crying makes my head hurt more. I want to stay away from Jay, I want to be closer to her, I want to just die, but more than anything, I want to stop hurting. It just seems like the only way to stop hurting right now is to die. I'm just so tired of everything - the lies, the pain, the bullshit.

Scars

I spent the night at Meredith's last night, and she told me that I need to reconsider my friendship with Jay. I know she's right, but I don't think I'm strong enough to go at it alone. I've got a grand total of three people I'd call friends, and one of them, I'm slightly pissed off at right now. I don't know if I'm capable of dealing with myself with only one friend. My cuts are kind of healing, finally. Also, as a plus, I finally actually told Jay, after she got upset that I talked to my friends about stuff that happened, that secrets tend to turn into scars with me. Maybe she finally got that...

So last night, one of my friends asked me if it was bad that she's starting to like pain. Even the thought of that possibility killed me. I felt like I had a gaping hole in my chest for an hour. I felt like I was going to die. I realised just how much more I love her than I love myself. I would rather die than know that she could have to go through what I've gone through. I would die a thousand times over to save her from becoming what I am. I couldn't handle watching her kill pieces of herself day by day, cut by cut. My soul has been gone for too long to worry about myself anymore, but hers, hers is fine. If there's a heaven, she still has a chance of going there. I don't know how to help her; I've never been very good at helping myself. I can't just sit around and watch this happen though; I need to figure something out.

Stuck on You

Why am I still in love with you? What makes you so special to me? I don't get it... What could possibly be so important about you that I can't stand the thought of living without you? What's so hard about letting you go? You're not mine, you never were - you never will be. We'd never work out. We just end up arguing about everything anyways. And the whole issue about kids... Not happening. I will miss you though; I'm sure we're gonna lose touch once I'm in or maybe not until after I'm done with college. I'm probably going to lose touch with everyone. Myself included.

Love is Caring Beyond Rationality

So to start, I apologize for any typos. I hate this keyboard with a passion. It doesn't work quite right. Also, this is basically my journal for when I don't have my actual one. Part of me doesn't want to get  over Jay because I'm afraid that I'll never feel like this again. I don't fall in love very easily. It took me almost 3 years to fall in love with her... I guess I may have fallen in love with her before I really noticed it, but falling out of love is harder and hurts more than I would have thought. My cuts are infected, too; I hope I can actually make it through kung fu today. Although I'm also getting a migraine, so I might just cut out early and go home. Actually, I'm going to Jay's, but whatever. Close enough. It was hilarious when I showed her what my wedding dress looks like - she was actually speechless for once. I don't know if I'm ever going to use it. I don't know if I'm ever gonna get married... and if I do, I'm not having kids. I don't want kids. I'd rather just live my life and not have to worry about what other people are going to do once I'm gone. I told Jay I'd be there to see it when she's okay again, and last time I asked, she said she was okay. I promised her. But she's okay, so does that mean I can just go? I kind of want to. I'm tired of trying to keep making it in this world; tired of being frustrated by this whole thing with college and careers. I just wanna quit. I promised Jeff that I'd call him and talk to him if I ever actually decide to do it though. I don't think he'd be able to talk me out of it. I don't think anyone would be able to. Not even Jay. I don't have to tell her. I could leave her a note. Or text her after 10:30 so she wouldn't know until the next day. Or leave her a note while she's at school. Or mail her a letter. I need to go to the doctor and get migraine meds in the meantime. Fuck, this sucks. I hate driving with a migraine. It's kind of a painless migraine, but everything seems really loud. It doesn't hurt though, which is good. Oops, spoke too soon. Here it comes. Great.

At least I learned that I am somewhat capable of loving. Apparently not capable enough to fight for myself and my feelings, but I'm growing.

Wow

So it's been a long time. Over a year, and a lot has happened. I had my first boyfriend; that only lasted for about 3 months. It was pretty fun, though, definitely worth it. I also had my first, not officially, girlfriend. I can't get over her though. I'm still in love with her two months after we ended things. I don't know if I can take this for much longer; it's killing me inside. She wants to know what's wrong, why I keep wanting to cut. It's because I can't get over her. She's the only one I can't make myself stop caring about, and part of me just wants to die over it. I would do absolutely anything for her or to make sure she's okay. I would die for her. But I can't tell her that. One of her exes just pulled that, and it's killing her. I just don't know how to do this anymore. I'm slowly destroying myself while trying to fix her. She didn't fall in love with me - not like I fell in love with her. We're so different, but part of me thinks that's perfectly fine. Another part of me wants to have someone who I have more in common with so there's less compromising. I'm so lost right now. I've been cutting again, even though she's there. I mean, she's there, but she's not there. I always feel like I'm bothering her when I talk to her about anything. Actually, I feel like that about pretty much everyone. I don't know how I'm gonna get through Kung Fu without passing out tomorrow. You know, blood loss and stuff.

Band Shows and Rifles

We had a band show yesterday, and I'm in colorguard - I spin flag and rifle. I did about 150 consecutives which is one of our warm-ups for rifle before we went out and did the show, and my shoulder hurts so bad today :P And my friend Chris asked me to put his bracelets and his class ring in my duffel bag cuz the band's hat bags break really easily, and he didn't want to lose it. Then, I asked his after the show if he wanted his stuff back, and he said no. I put the stuff back into a small pocket in my bag, but somehow the ring fell down into the rest of my bag. I was flipping out and crying when I couldn't find it on the bus because I knew he would be really pissed if I'd lost it; I honestly think he would have hurt me if I had... Anyways, I was taking everything out of my duffel bag and I couldn't find it anywhere, so my friend Jackie who I sit with the bus called her mom and asked her to check the stands again since she'd been chaperoning. Then she looked down at the seat, and it was sitting there right between us. It was right fucking there. It took me probably another 10 minutes to calm down after we found it, and when I told him what happened, he said that he would have hurt me. Actually, that's not exactly what he said, but you know, not gonna repeat that...